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and their dread of failure" (Morrison, Playing 37) seems to describe Fowler's position whose social exclusion starting with his early retirement from his work, and therefore from the security his public self offers does also mean that he is denied the opportunity to stay white. There is no real way up or out of darkness, no real way back through constricted caverns clotted with loudening fearfulness, fouled, filthy, crawling toward light, I am reaching for light in a dream, whatever time has passed as my body thickens in middle age, I sweat and shoot straight up, Fowler's position in a hospital bed, dull-eyed to whatever the white-clad apparitions want of me, would have me do, as they try to get in and I try to get out of my head. |
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